Thank you, Jared, for letting me mow the lawn! Seriously, I often feel trapped with these kids in my little "cave" so that even a task like mowing the lawn can't be done without someone to watch the kids. Sometimes I just need to escape for a while, but I either don't know what to do or where to run or even if I will be able to do it. So thank you Jared, for letting me escape for a while to mow the lawn.
I've always loved mowing the lawn since I was about 12 when I started doing it There is something so satisfying and relaxing about it: the smell of freshly cut grass, the drone of the mower, the steady pace of walking back and forth, seeing how good it all looks and what a difference I am making. Tonight the sky was beautiful, there was a slight breeze, my blood was circulating, and most importantly, there were no kids to be held, fed, comforted, dressed, disciplined, cleaned up after, etc. It gives me time to think and get away, even though I am only in the yard. I don't think I will ever get a lawn service; nobody can take this weird obsession away from me!
I know that this period of my life won't last that long. I absolutely love my children and being a mom. They are so cute, innocent, loving and have such an enthusiasm for life. Watching them learn and reach different milestones is very fulfilling. But these children are also challenging, needy, and exasperating at times. One day last week I counted 9 times strapping kids in and out of car seats from going to preschool, the store and the dentist. Multiply that by 3 kids (minus 2 times when Erin was at school) and add the fact that at least one child is always hiding under the seat or needing to push one more button before I tackle them to their seat, and you get 25 very frustrating moments! Is it any wonder I stay in my cave all day?
But then this leads to loneliness and isolation. I have been struggling with this a lot lately. Please tell me I'm not alone in feeling this way! And don't get me wrong, not every day is bad. But some days are just so hopeless and discouraging. Of course I can't think of a better reason to hope than my three precious childrenI would do anything for them, despite the frustration at times. I do think that having a baby messes up your body and mind a bit. It's not the actual baby that makes me crazy; she couldn't be a better baby (at least for me). It's just what goes on in my head that makes things hard sometimes. And then when I do get away for school I feel guilty for leaving my baby when she doesn't like a bottle.
I guess I'm writing this because of a few comments I got about the photo I have of my family on Facebook. People see it and say that it's the perfect little family. But the truth is that while I love my family so much, we struggle just like most people do. Putting the good things on this blog helps me remember that through it all there are moments of great joy and my children really are amazing people. I was reading another blog about how there has to be opposition in all things and that without the hard times we would never appreciate the good times. Without loneliness I wouldn't appreciate good friendships as much. Without the car seat battle I would never appreciate how nice it is to drive somewhere alone. It is very true! Life is good, it's just not always easy.