Saturday, September 19, 2009


This week wasn't the greatest. Granted, I've had worse. But, for a number of reasons, I'm glad it's over. Mostly little things, I guess. Like taking the kids to the dentist. All three were screaming simultaneously, which is to be expected when someone starts sticking weird things in your mouth. This I can handle. But then I found out that Alex has two cavities! He's not even three yet. The non-insurance-covered-sedation and fillings will happen next week. Really, not that big of a deal except that it makes me feel like a failure. It's not like I feed him suckers every day (as the dentist insinuated), but maybe I'm feeding him the wrong things or not being better about brushing/flossing.

Or the trip to the pediatrician when Alex wouldn't step on the scale by himself so I of course held him and then weighed myself to get the difference. Well, that difference was depressingly not enough. Just frustrating to weigh more than I think I should when I'm not pregnant. Side note: Marissa is still not even 20 lbs at 15 1/2 months! What a tiny child.

Mostly, though, it's architorture. I felt really sick for Tuesday's class (head cold), and all Wednesday and Thursday I felt a lot of anxiety over the project. I stayed up really late and worked all day getting the presentation together. The pin-up went all right, I guess, but then the professor started listing all the things she expected in the next few weeks. Each thing she mentioned only deepened the pit in my stomach and I honestly wondered how I would do all of it. This is too hard! It's weeks like these that make me really question my decision to go back to school at all. I was fine at the dead-end job I had back then. While it's true those thoughts did cross my mind, it's also true that I love architecture and I know this is the right thing for my life. But knowing that doesn't make the process any easier.

I wasn't a good mom on Thursday. I'm not proud of it. I was really stressed out and tired, and it was a day that kids were also tired and crabby, all of them. I'll leave the result of that combination to your imagination. I hate that architecture has driven me to act and feel that way. But we survived another day, another week, another 4 weeks to be exact. And my loving children forgave me when I said I was sorry.

Today I asked Erin if she would remember all that she's had to go through because of my school. She said, "Yeah, I have a great memory because my brain is so good. I have the goodest brain in our whole family." Then I asked if she thought I ignored her. She said "Yes, like when I want you to get me food or when I need help with my puzzles." That's kind of a sad realization and I only hope her brain isn't so good that she will resent me for this.

Anyway, I do feel grateful for some really simple things right now. Like the fact that Alex is literally potty training himself. It's on his terms, slow and steady, but with no outside influences or motivation (or work on my end). He wears underwear when he wants to and never has accidents when he does.

Or the fact that Erin comes home from school and cheerfully does her homework on her own. It's writing whatever she wants in her notebook and she does a fabulous job at sounding out the words and writing creative things without help.

Or the fact that Marissa is still an incredible sleeper and makes me laugh every day.

Or that Jared gets the kids breakfast every day, comes home from work early, takes care of the kids several times a week and puts up with me being so distracted/tired/stressed.

Or for incredible friends who watch my kids even though they may be having a rough time too or talk to me on the phone to make me feel so much better.

Or for the meal plan that I put together. It is one less important yet annoying thing I don't have to worry about. It's given Jared left-overs to take to work the next day and made it so we don't eat out as much. In fact, we only ordered pizza once in the last four weeks and that was because of a cooking disaster (my second one ever). If anyone is curious, I don't recommend the Baked Penne Pasta from the Essential Food Storage cookbook. It's in the garbage.

Or that I only have 9 1/2 weeks until my final pin-up. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...