Journal

Seriously, I don't ever intend to have these long, random, rambling posts. But I can't seem to ever get anything finished these days, so... in an attempt to record some of the last couple (kind of difficult) weeks, here you have it.

Wednesday, Jan. 26
Today the three main things I am grateful for are:
1. I don't have a headache! At least not yet anyway. But it's been a good day because of it.
2. I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight! It took 7 months but alas, I made it. I blame the stomach flu for those last few lbs., what can I say? I ate a bowl of ice cream in celebration.
3. The weather is a beautiful 63 degrees and it feels so nice--all week actually. We are loving it!

Three questions of the day:
1. Why were they playing such non-kid friendly music in the kid's club at the gym today? My child came home singing something like "You're a jerk, no I'm not"--which is a song I don't know but also kind of don't want my kid knowing.
2. Why do people keep trying to sell me stuff door to door? Three people from the same company came by today. Still not interested.
3. Why will my baby not sleep? It seems like he only gets about a 30 minute nap every day, but he needs way more. Sigh. He was a great sleeper for about 3-4 months because he sucked his thumb. That is until we went to Utah where his thumb got so dried out, cracked and started bleeding. He hasn't been able to suck his thumb to sooth himself since. I'm glad I don't have to break him of the habit later, but total bummer that he now doesn't know how to go to sleep on his own.

Thursday, Jan. 27
Okay. Actually, every day starts out pretty good, but without fail I end up losing it by the end of the day. Let me be more specific. It's 4-6 pm that is hands down the worst time of day for me. I'm tired, the kids are done playing nicely, dinner needs to be somehow magically whipped up and probably the worst is that Connor is sooo cranky by this time and will not go to sleep. It's just all those little not particularly stressful things throughout the day that just add up until I snap. Connor tips over a gallon of water all over the kitchen, Alex still hasn't done what I asked 6 times ago, Marissa bites her brother, the house is a mess again and I can't even put the baby down without him screaming. Okay, let's face it, Connor not sleeping is probably the main factor that's putting me over the edge lately. I really could handle the other things better if it weren't for that.

The other day I had a brilliant idea for how to get through until dinner. Since the weather was so nice I thought we could go across the street to ride bikes at the school. I knew Connor would be happy in the stroller and Marissa was dying to use her new helmet so I started dinner and off we went. Sounds so ideal, right? Yeah, maybe for a mom that's not on the edge. Alex kept hurting his foot on his training wheels and had to change footwear twice. Crossing the street meant somebody getting stuck in the grass while somebody else was veering off into traffic. It shouldn't have been difficult, but the stress level was rising. Then there was trying to teach Erin how to ride a bike without training wheels. Jared had taken them off and gone with her only a couple of times in the last few days, so she wasn't exactly proficient yet. I, of course, had never been out with her nor had ever taught anyone how to ride a bike. Everything I did was wrong: it was the wrong parking lot, I was holding on too long, I didn't hold on long enough, I made her run into that car, I made her fall again, that wasn't how daddy did it. That was it! I declared that it was time to go home and, amidst the baby crying, the two year old crying about not getting to ride her bike long enough and the other two frantically picking up everything I told them to pick up, proceeded to go on a rampage about what a brat Erin was being and even called her that. What a mean, mean mom. I still feel bad about that one--and dang it, she keeps bringing it up. From now on, Jared is the sole bike riding teacher, thus adding yet another reason why he should never die: so that my kids won't still be using training wheels in college.

Monday, Jan. 31
Thank goodness for good friends! I honestly don't know what I would do if it weren't for some great friends here. This morning I had had it with the fleas. They had to be eradicated. It seems that I am the only human in this house that the fleas like to prey on, which is good for everyone but me. I bought the good (expensive) flea medicine for the cats last week since the Walmart stuff obviously wasn't working--and yes, we still have the cats. The jury is still out regarding them. Turns out most of my friends and family are cat haters since I've only had one vote to keep them. At any rate, I called my friend and dropped the kids off for a few hours while we bombed the house. What a relief. Oh, and I picked out some new glasses.

Tuesday, Feb. 1
Huge, huge headache... again! I had one last night and even woke up with one. I can't do anything except lay on the couch. Ugh.

Wednesday, Feb. 2
There are very few days where I get to the end of it and feel fine. I truly and honestly feel completely exhausted at the end of most days. I guess that's what I get for having 4 kids in 6 years. And I no matter how hard I try, I always feel like I'm failing. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that tomorrow will be any different from today. But slowly and surely change does come. Just this week Connor has learned how to crawl and is much happier getting around (though he still doesn't sleep). Erin is riding a bike without training wheels. Alex finished his reading chart (36 books!) and Marissa... I can only hope that she will be potty trained soon. When I told her to use the potty she said, "No Mommy, I already finished my potty chart!" Gotta love how a two year old's mind works.

Tonight after Jared got home from his volleyball game I had gone over the edge again. Really, I was doing just fine all day and through dinner, but that last hour--you know, the one after the first contiguous 14--that was the clincher. My coping strategy lately is to walk out the moment Jared walks in on days like this. Tonight I went to Michaels until they kicked me out and since I figured Jared could probably use a little more time to finish all the cleaning that I couldn't manage, I made my way over to Walmart where I strolled my favorite aisles in peace, complete peace--all except for the "Walmart mom" yelling at her kid a few aisles over (no joke). There I looked at plastic bins (a whole aisle full), cheesy Valentine stuff and office supplies. I walked by the bra section and wondered if I would ever buy a bra from here like that lady bra shopping with her boyfriend. I spent a good amount of time in the paint section and agreed that all those 50% off paints that had been returned were there for a good reason (horrible!) and I wandered around in the last remaining Walmart fabric section in my area (truly a travesty). Most of the fabric was still ugly, but sometimes I get lucky. And I finally found some vinyl to make something oh-so-creative. I picked up a toilet plunger (a good one that wouldn't turn inside out and splash heaven knows what on me, as I experienced today with my cheap one) and spent more that I wanted to on other miscellaneous "must have" items. Of course it wouldn't have been a trip to Walmart or Target unless I drove away forgetting something that I needed but didn't get because I left the house so hastily without a list. Hence my never-ending love/hate relationship with the big box stores. No doubt we shall meet again for another late night therapy session.

Thursday, Feb. 3
Wow. Tonight I actually feel quite good. No headache and I still have some energy. Maybe that's because I didn't work out today and didn't do a lick of housework either. I might feel even better if there weren't a child still awake whining for me to break off more tape (no idea what she's doing by the way--I'm just breaking the tape). I went to a fun brunch in the morning which was a great break from the monotony. Connor only slept for 15 minutes today! During his nap, since Marissa was asleep, Erin was at her friend's and Alex was painting I decided to whip out that canvas that I bought 8 months ago and try my hand at a little acrylic artwork. Like I said, Connor's nap lasted 15 minutes so the artwork is incomplete. If I had a dime for every project I started but didn't finish, well... I don't know what. Am I supposed to say something after "if I had a dime"?

The great part about the last few days is that Connor has slept through the night. That's a big relief. He really is a lot happier now that he can move around and even though he is awake knocking over the cat water and eating the cat food (back to those dang cats again), I am okay with him as long as he is happy.

Sorry about the long, journal entry post. I just had to get this one off of draft and on to publish.